As I wrote in the About section, I was diagnosed at the age of 31 in the awful, awful year that is 2020. My diagnosis of ‘high functioning’ Autism has been a wholly positive experience for me though, which I will cover in another blog post down the line. I also only refer to myself as Autistic and don’t personally use the functioning labels, which is another blog topic in itself and am only using it here to talk about my diagnosis.
I’m going to talk through my struggles and issues throughout my life until the point before I started considering whether or not I was on the Autistic Spectrum. Some of my tale may ring true to you, others maybe not so much as Autism is not a linear thing and we are all uniquely individual.
I’m lucky to be blessed with a somewhat photographic memory, not Eidetic by any means but I remember a significant amount of what I was like as a child. Quiet, shy, but slightly hyper and distracted at times and easily fatigued, the beginning of rigid and fixed interests were forming, football, Pokémon, wrestling, video games and books. I was always trying to be like the rest even this young but I found the social life of primary school child easier to manage than what was to come.
Teenage years was when it began to really start to unravel, the social facade that I managed to maintain was broken, football and video games were acceptable but enjoying Pokémon was taboo and books were nerdy. Nu-Metal was big at the time of secondary school so I found a tribe there, but it was Othered by the ‘cool’ kids, grunger, goth, freak. But I survived, kinda. Also, why was every guy after girls now? I didn’t understand it. I was struggling to maintain my friendships as well as my interests grew from Nu-Metal to obscure Black/Death Metal, which no one wanted to talk about but I incessantly rattled on about Black Metal [eventually doing part of my thesis on it].
Around 15/16, I was very depressed, unaware of my heavy ‘masking’ trying to fit in still to the alternative tribe, loneliness creeping in and the increasing pressure from social circles of ‘why aren’t you interested in pursuing romantic relationships?’, which of course at the time to male teenagers meant you were gay, in actuality now I’d consider myself a hetero Asexual. I was also drinking heavily to loosen up, be more social, be more like the other people, you know, be ‘normal’. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder around this time, which I am very open about now, but at the time I treated it like a Death Sentence. Something like ‘Oh no, I’m already ostracised enough!’. I was also terribly uninterested in all of the curriculum so I spent most of my time in secondary school daydreaming, listening to my walkman or reading books that were more interesting to me. The rest of the time I was pulling sick days to recharge.
Now late teens into my 20s here. Didn’t go to my Debs [you might call it a ‘prom’] cause of the formality of it, the social implications and pressures so I went to go see the Ian Curtis movie. Started working for my father on building sites after dropping out of College of Commerce Cork. I didn’t mind some of my work, I enjoyed the work with the Bricklayer’s, getting to stack blocks was soothing [this was when I started developing notions of Autism], attention to details of finish but I was terribly slow and I couldn’t take orders from Foremen that a) I didn’t like or b) thought were stupid. The heavy drinking continued but the relationship issues remained but the drinking and now the newfound appetite for drugs masked it so I managed to superficially fit in but the cracks of masking for so long and not understanding it were beginning. I was angry, depressed, frustrated, feeling misunderstood and at the end of my rope.
A near death experience from an accidental overdose was the first physical health wake up call and then a stomach ulcer soon after made me re-assess completely. It was a terrible time of my life, but now I look back and consider it necessary for where I am today. I stopped drinking and doing drugs, still to this day I remain clean. I also started taking my mental health seriously and keeping up with my medication. In general I was happier but still frustrated and without my social lubricants, I began to withdraw but my old interests of Pokémon, wrestling and books came back and was very, very soothing. I was enjoying my time alone for the first time really and I was okay with it.
I quit my job with my dad, I was struggling so much with it. I went back to education to do Art. But for the first year in CSN, Cork, I mainly kept to myself, did my work, went out to my car at breaks to read or just chill by myself. Process based artmaking like etching a drypoint or making a piece from clay that had a defined order was a slice of heaven to me. Unfortunately, small clashes with painting as my order of doing a painting was my own defined way and not the general consensus to making a painting, which I rigidly stuck too until I graduated from Crawford and still do to this day.
It was around this point that I began to wonder, social issues and lack of interest in social engagement, I would speak as little as possible [unless comfortable with the person] I would be non-verbal if possible, issues making and maintaining relationships, romantic relationships, sensory issues with lights, smells, noise and being touched, rigid approach to work and attention to detail, fixed interests [same as before football, Poké, wrestling, games, books but now with art and tattoos!], posture issues, tics & stims [unknown at the time] and very routine driven.
Unfortunately, it took another 5 years for me to seek a diagnosis but I got there in the end and I couldn’t be happier with it. I finally now I understand myself. I went privately so it was relatively quick but costly process for me, but I got my diagnosis within months instead of the years it would take on the public system.
Luke Talks Autism 